One Foot In, One Foot Out

Two weeks ago, I finally arrived in the Netherlands. This won’t be just another two weeks' holiday. This is a new chapter, a new life in a country I’m only familiar with from a couple of visits.

By the time I reached two weeks, I usually have mixed feelings. Sadness, that I have to be separated from my partner, back to video calls with 5-6 hour difference. Happy, to see my family again, knowing they are always there for me, a place where I come home.

Now, after two weeks, I’m faced with the reality that this is my new home. I have to do a lot of adjustments, learn a couple of new things, instill new habits.

This big leap I took won’t take just a few days to be done. No, it might take months, years. And it’ll be easier if I have my whole self in here, my whole focus and mind. But no, I’m still thinking about home.

Not because I’m having homesick, but because they’re fighting the same battle with everyone else during this pandemic and I feel bad for not being there for them. This started just two days after I arrived in Amsterdam. Started with my older sister to my Mom, my little brother, and then my Dad. And my Mom has it worst.

The second weekend I was here, my siblings were taking our Mom from one hospital to another but they were all full. I suggested one hospital that was not on the government list and thankfully they provide oxygen for free in the waiting room. At least she received this first aid while my siblings were waiting until she can be admitted there.

After days with a rollercoaster of emotions, negative thoughts, fear of the worst thing, everything seemed to finally work out for my Mom in the end. At the time I’m writing this, she finally got a room with an aircon and a TV (but this was after she had to sleep in a corridor and then a tent, that's how overloaded and chaotic the hospitals are at this moment). The doctor said that her condition is overall good, but her lungs are weak. She’s also not allowed to get visitors because she’s still contagious. She said that she wanted to go home, but she’s still not stable yet. And we believe that the doctor is doing whatever he can to make her get better.

I know that I don’t understand completely the struggle that they’re facing every day, I’m miles away from them, but I’m worried all the time. My partner helped in a lot of things that I should be preparing or doing myself. He might see that I’m only physically here, while half of my mind is back there with my family.

When my Mom was finally being moved to a room, I decided to call my aunts and tell them about my Mom. I know my Mom doesn’t want to make them worry about her, but it’s their right to know about my Mom. She’s their oldest sister after all.

One of my aunts said something that made me cry right at that moment. She said that my Mom has a lot of people that will take care of her there, while I am here by myself, so I have to take care of my health and not getting infected. I just got here and I have a lot of things to do and to think about. So she told me to focus on that, don’t worry about home. I cried right away. I want to be happy while moving here, starting a new life, finally doing things on my own, but I’m still worried about home, about my family. I feel like I’m being selfish and that I don’t have the right to be happy at the moment.

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what I should do.

I don’t like doing things halfway. But my thoughts are still there with them.

I just hope that everything will get better in the end. I really hope this will be over soon.